Too much

Hey there tired mama.

I see you.

But more importantly, I am you.

Sometimes you cry because you are so tired you can't sleep.

Sometimes you hurt in ways that you can't explain.

Sometimes you cry because you feel guilty about being so blessed and yet so frustrated.

Sometimes you cry because someone needs you all the time.

Sometimes you cry because your friend struggles with infertility and you have so many kids.

Sometimes you cry because friends have lost babies and you feel guilty about being mad at yours.

Sometimes you want to get in the car and drive away. Away from the mess, the noise, the chaos.

You want to drive to a quiet place and just sit and breathe... and just be quiet.

But you can't say it out loud.

You're not suppose to.

You are suppose to be happy, you are blessed.

You are suppose to smile, because you will miss these years when they are grown.

You are suppose to enjoy them while they are little.

But today, today you just want to quit.

Sometimes you just want to scream to the well meaning lady at the store, "Fine then you take them today. The 12 hours I am gone will go fast. I promise."

You can't be replaced. You are 'on' all the time. Even when your husband comes home, if you are lucky enough to have one, the kids still come to you. In the middle of the night, it's your name they call out. There is no true time off.

You would ask for help, but then someone starts vomiting or running a temp or there are sports to take them to or meals to prepare.

Even when they are in someone else care, you worry. Are they getting into trouble, are they making a mess, are they fighting, are they being annoying? You might be away but your mind is with them.

It is all too much sometimes.

It's ok.

I am ok.

You are ok.

I know, I really, truly do, that it will go by fast.

But today I don't want to hear that. I just want to grieve.

Grieve the me who use to be free.

Grieve the me who use to take showers regularly.

Grieve the me who felt lighter.

This part of life is really hard.

I will get up tomorrow and I will do it all over again.

I will look for the silver lining.

I will change my perspective.

I will ask for help.

I will be happy.

I will still get frustrated.

I will still get sad.

I will still want to leave.... sometimes.

But that doesn't make me a bad mom, it doesn't make you a bad mom.

It makes us human.

It makes us thankful for a God full of grace. A God who can handle our mess, our sadness, our loneliness. A God who tells us its ok to not be enough, because He is enough.

Rest in that today mama. Rest in the fact that you cannot be enough, but He can.

With love,
Me

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